50 Ways to Kill Konohamaru
by Incomparable Mr. Flannery
Summary: Summary: This little brat is quite possibly the single most annoying character of any anime series. Ever. Now is his judgment day.
1. Let the Fun begin

50 Ways to Kill Konohamaru

Summary: This little brat is quite possibly the single most annoying character of any anime series. Ever. Now is his judgment day.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did, Naruto would not say "Believe it!" every 10 seconds.

Chapter 1: Meet the Head Hell Guy

As Gaara was finishing a visit to the Leaf Village, he was approached by everyone's favorite whiny brat Konohamaru.

Konohamaru: "Hey mister, what's wrong with your eyes?"

Gaara did not like people asking him that particular question. A bunch of sand came of his gourd and swallowed Konohamaru.

Sakura appeared

Sakura: "You killed Konohamaru! Thank you! You have no idea how long EVERYONE has wanted to do that!" she dragged Gaara off to her house to perform….. Certain acts of an adult nature on him

Konohamaru was rising in the sky toward heaven….. at first. Then he started to drop like a lead weight.

Kono: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He landed in a flaming pit

(For the purpose of saving time, I'm saying Kono instead of Konohamaru for the remainder of this fic)

Konohamaru: "Where am I?"

He was approached by two freaks that looked like they needed serious mental help. The big one was the first to speak up.

Me: "Welcome to hell! I'm the head hell guy, Matt! This is my buddy Andrew! You're in the Village Hidden in Eternal Flame!

Konohamaru: "I've been good! Why am I in hell!?"

Andrew: "Did you do your homework and eat your vegetables?"

Konohamaru started to cry.

Andrew: "Exactly!"

Kono: "I want my Mommy!"

Matt: "Demonic Pimp Slap Jutsu!" he slapped him all the way across a lava pit "Shinobi don't whine like little babies!"

Andrew: "And they don't wet and soil themselves either!"

Kono: "Mommy says I'm special and that I'll grow out of it!"

Matt: "Special eh? That would explain the helmet….. In any case come with us"

Kono: "I don't wanna!" he started to whine.

Matt: "Andrew, get the leash……."

Andrew put a leash on him and dragged him to some kind of virtual torture chamber. There was a screaming man tied to a chair with a virtual reality helmet on.

Kono: "Um… who is that and what're you doing to him?"

Matt: "Did you ever wonder why Naruto says 'Believe it!' all the time?"

He nodded

Matt: "That's his fault. He is living various death scenarios as punishment. He'll be reincarnated soon."

They dragged him out of the chair. He was reduced to a babbling drooling, idiot. They erased his memory and sent him to Reincarnation Land.

Matt: "That's also why many babies are so stupid."

They lifted Konohamaru into the chair. He was screaming like a little girl. Andrew stuffed his dirty sock in his noise hole.

Matt: "While you're in the virtual world, you won't remember you're dead. Now let the fun begin!"

He shoved the helmet on him.

To Be Continued

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For the record I am not good with Japanese terms so I just stick to normal English.

I also don't think Konohamaru has a mom but for the purpose this fanfic he does.

Please R&R but be gentle this is my first try. Thank you Andrew for helping me out.


	2. Many many deaths

Chapter 2: Let the Fun Begin Deaths 1-10

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Thanks for the reviews. If anyone has any suggestions on how Kono should be killed lemme know.

Death 1: Cliff

Kono appeared in a version of the Village. A fake Naruto came up to him.

"Naruto": Wanna see something cool?"

Konohamaru nodded.

"Naruto" took him to a cliff.

Kono looked down the cliff

Kono: "What am I looking-"

"Naruto" kicked him off. As he was falling he screamed like a girl. He landed and got impaled by rocks

Death 2: Disturbing Images

Kono reappeared in a house. There were strange noises coming from the back room.

Kono: "What was that? My stomach hurts. Maybe there's someone in there who can tell me what's going on…"

He opened the door and saw Orochimaru dressed as Michael Jackson. He was getting it on with Kabuto. Kono grabbed a knife and gouged out his eyes.

Death 3: Bull

He reappeared again in a bullfighting arena.

Kono: "Owwwwww……" he saw the bull. "Oh no."

He started running. He ran straight into a wall.

Kono: "Nice cow….."

Bull: "I'M A BULL!"

Kono got trampled and gored.

Death 4: Dick Cheney

Kono then reappeared in a field. He had hunting gear on.

Kono: "What's going on?"

???: "You're hunting with me…… DICK CHENEY!"

Kono looked at him like he was a nut.

Dick: "Is that a quail? DIEEEE!"

He shot Kono in the face.

Death 5: Football

Kono reappeared in a football field. He got hit in the crotch multiple times before big players trampled him.

Death 6: Skydiving

Kono started falling out of the sky. He saw a hot air balloon. He tried aiming for it.

Kono: HELLLLLP MEEEEE!"

He landed next to a trampoline. He died again.

Death 7: Chickens

He was now trying to find his way out of a cave. There were a bunch of chickens in it. They were blocking his path

Kono: "Get out of my way you stupid birds!"

Chickens glared at him.

Chicken 1: "Oh we're stupid huh? At least we have better fashion sense! Wait….. You smell like my brother…… You bastard! You ate Harvey!"

Kono: "Huh?"

Chicken 2: "Let's kill this motherclucker!"

The chickens swarmed him and pecked and scratched him to death.

Chicken 1: "Take that….. Brother killer….."

Death 8: Cannon

Ringmaster: "Turn your attention to the Ring. We're going to shoot this kid out of a cannon."

Kono: "What!?" some clowns stuffed him in a cannon.

Ringmaster: "3… 2… 1… FIRE!" Kono got fired out of a cannon and he hit a brick wall. Some carny stole his wallet.

Carny: "I'm going to EAT tonight!"

Death 9: Timber

Konohamaru looked around

Kono: "Where am I?"

Guy: "TIMBER!"

Kono: "Huh?"

He got hit by a falling tree.

Death 10: Writer's Block

Matt was stabbing Kono.

Matt: "I'm out of ideas!"

TBC 

R&R I'll have more ideas soon. Feel free to send me some.


	3. notice

Notice

I must thank you for the positive reviews; it seems most of you hate the whiny brat as much as me. But I'm short on murder ideas so if you have any, post them in your reviews.


	4. More bloodshed

Chapter 3: Let the Bloodshed Continue! Deaths 11-20

Disclaimer/death 11

Kono has dynamite strapped to his chest.

Me: "SAY IT!"

Kono: "The author does not own Naruto or any other characters he's using to kill me!"

Kono explodes

Me: "And thanks for the ideas keep em coming!"

Death 12: Finish Him!

Kono appears across from Sub-Zero. Before Konohamaru knows what's happening he's being beaten repeatedly by the icy ninja.

Voice: "Finish this Sorry Motherfucker!"

Sub-Zero ripped out Konohamaru's spine, shoved it back up his rear, and ripped it out again.

Voice: "Flawless Victory! Fatality!"

Death 13: Skeith

Konohamaru appears in the world of .hack. He sees Orca and Kite just as they meet Skeith. Konohamaru is immediately defeated and data drained by Skeith.

Orca: "What the hell was that?"

Death 14: Mind Crush!

Kono is now dueling with Yugi.

Kono: "where am I!? I have no idea what game this is!"

Yugi: "The hell? Who are you?"

Kono was crying his eyes out. 

Yami Yugi: "This kid is getting on my nerves as much as Te'a and her friendship speeches.

Yugi: "Speaking of which……. 3…2…. 1"

Te'a started a speech to try and help Kono.

Yami Yugi: "That's it! Mind Crush!" he killed Kono. Then he turned to a horrified Te'a.

Te'a: "Pharoh!"

Yami Yugi: "Shut up bitch! Mind Crush!" he killed Te'a. Joey took her body to the nearest dark place to perform unspeakable acts on it.

Death 15: Kids on a Plane

Kono was annoying a passenger.

Passenger: "I want this Motherfucking kid off this Motherfucking plane!" Kono got tossed off the plane and went kersplat

Death 16: In the Name of the Moon……

Kono was now faced by an angry mob of Sailor Scouts

Serena: "Konohamaru, you have been judged, as a whiny, stupid, and utterly annoying! So in the name of the moon we will bust a cap in your ass!" Sailor scouts started shooting him to death

Death 17: Cat Football

Kono was turned into a kitten. He was kicked high in the air by a kid and landed on his head.

Kid: "It's good!"

Death 18: Duel Gone Wrong

Yugi was dueling Seto on top Pegasus's castle. Seto had Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon out.

Yugi: "I summon Dark Magician!"

Instead of his favorite monster he got Kono. It had -4500 attack points.

Seto: "WTF? Blue Eyes! Neutron Blast!" Kono and Yugi were killed by the blast.

Death 19: Arousal.

Sakura exposes herself. Kono starts to…. You know. He dies from exhaustion

Death 20: Falling Star

Kono: "Is that a falling Star? It's falling close to me….. Oh God" NASA makes itself useful. The satellite kills Kono


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Half Done

21-30

Disclaimer/21:

Kono: "The author doesn't own Naruto or anyone he uses to maim and kill me. He also wants to thank all his readers for ideas." Kono gets squashed by an anvil that was dropped by Ebisu and Naruto.

Ebisu and Naruto: "Freedom!"

Death 22: Animals

Kono was being chased down by various male animals in heat. He got humped by all of them. Their mates showed up. They ate him and served their mates divorce slipped.

Death 23: Hugs Pt 1

Kono was compelled to hug Sasuke. He did and……."

Sasuke: "Chidori!" There was a big hole where Kono's small barely functioning bladder used to be.

Death 24: Sasgay

Andrew was now speaking through Kono's mouth.

Kono (Andrew): "Hey Sasgay!"

Sasuke: "Get him my rabid fangirls!"

Rabid fangirls surrounded him

Kono: "Um….. Protect me my…. Fans of any gender"

A few three year olds came out and they were either beaten to death with their own teddy bears or suffocated with their security blankets. They stabbed Kono to death

Death 25: Ramen

Kono was running from Itachi's fan girls and fanboys with gender issues. Naruto was about to eat an expensive ramen he could never eat before because of a certain ninja blowing all his money on cheap booze and cheaper women. Before he could enjoy his noodles Kono ran straight into Naruto causing hot noodles to spill on him.

Naruto: "You idiot! Do you have any idea how much this cost? I'll kill you!"

He stopped the fangirls and took Kono to a forest. Kono was so scared he was ready to pee himself. Naruto tied him to a tree. He got out some shuriken.

Kono: "Boss? Boss?"

He screamed like the sissy boy that he is and Naruto tossed shuriken into his word hole.

Death 26: Tsunade

Kono ran into Tsunade again. Slamming face first into her boobs again. This time he caused her to spill her sake.

Kono: "I'm sorry!"

10 minutes later Konohamaru was decapitated in public.

Tsunade: "Let it be known that causing me to spill my booze is a capital offense"

Man: "She's an alcoholic"

The man was also executed

Death 28: Swimming Pool

It was a hot day.

Kono: "It's a hot day"

Kono saw a sign that he thought said swimming pool. He did not know it was a mirage. It was really a warning to deter others away from a pool of acid.

Kono: "Swimming pool!" He dove in head first and got dissolved

Death 29: Hugs Pt 2

Kono was possessed by Andrew. He ran up and gave Gaara a bear hug.

Gaara: "You perv! Sand Coffin" he was crushed by Gaara's sand

Death 30: Steamroller Procrastination

Matt was playing his copy of .hack//G.U. Volume 2. Kono was stuck outside. He was about to get rolled over by a steamroller.

Me: "Perhaps I should help him…. Wouldn't wanna ruin a perfectly good steam roller…. Then again this is the best part….." he continued weighing options for 2 hours. When he looked outside there was blood all over the place for three blocks

Me: "Mom ain't gonna like this….."

TBC

R&R Send ideas I'm sleepy


	6. Out of Amusing Titles

Chapter 6: Running out of Amusing Titles

Death 31: Disclaimer

Kono: "My tormenter does not own Naruto or any properties he uses to torture me!"

Kono looked down. He was standing in midair Wile E. Coyote style.

Me: "Beep Beep!"

Kono fell down and died.

Death 32: Note

Kono found a note. He read it

Kono: "Zeegyboogydoo? What the f-"

Kono exploded.

Death 33: Fish Man

Andrew possessed Kono.

Kisame was walking by.

Kono: "You smell like fish!"

Ten seconds later he was cut to ribbons

Death 34: Behind the Mask

Kono: "Hey Kakashi! Take off your mask!"

Kakashi: "No."

This continued for 25 minutes

Kakashi: "Alright……."

He took off his mask. Kono turned to stone. Hyde and Kelso from That 70s Show appeared.

Hyde: "That brings new meaning to the term 'stoned'.

Kelso: "This would make a great gift for Jackie."

He tried to pick the rock up but broke it.

Hyde: "Moron!"

Death 35: Bender

Kono appeared in the Planet Express HQ in the Futurama world. He ran around crying.

Professor: "Holy Zombie Jesus! That kid is loud. Whoever shuts him up gets promoted!"

Our favorite profane, drunken, chain smoking, Bender stepped up.

Bender: "Allow me meat bags!"

He bent Kono's spine multiple times until he broke in half.

Professor: "Bender you're the official toilet scrubber!"

Bender: "Damn it!"

Death 36: Inuyasha

Kono was now in the Inuyasha universe annoying everybody. Kagome finally lost her temper

Kagome: "Inuyasha! Sick that son of a bitch!

Kono proceeded to get maimed by everyone's favorite demon.

Death 37: Toad

Kono saw Gamakichi. Andrew possessed him and caused Kono to kick the poor defenseless frog. The frog started to whine. Then the Chief Toad appeared

Kono: "Um…….."

He started to run. He was squished.

Death 38: Anko's Dango.

Kono slipped on strategically place banana peel. He flew right at Anko and caused to spill her Dango (whatever the hell that is.).

Anko: "First you disrupt the Chunin exams and now this! You must be punished you pint sized asshole!"

She tore Kono's heart out.

Death 39: Ino

Andrew did the possession routine again. Kono stared at Ino.

Kono: "Hey you ugly pig!"

Ino scratched his eyes out.

Death 40: Thank You

Kono is in a steal cage with various wrestlers whole wielding various weapons. The wrestlers put him through a table; hit him with chairs, and a microphone.

Me: "I would like to thank all my readers for sending me ideas. I couldn't have abused this toddler without them! Sorry I can't use them all. In any case there are ten more deaths plus a surprise ending. I've already got it in my head. The trouble is getting off my rear to write it."

Matt hits the bell after Kono dies.

R&R I still might need ideas so keep sending them.


	7. The End

Chapter 6: Finale!

Disclaimer/Death 41

Kono was tied to train tracks.

Kono: "The author doesn't own Naruto or anything he uses to torture me."

Kono gets ran over by a drunken Thomas the Train.

Death 42: Klansmen

Kono was possessed by Andrew. He was at a K.K.K. meeting with various Republican Party members.

Kono: "How many think Martin Luther King was great?"

He was lynched.

Death 43: Black Panthers

Kono was possessed by Andrew. He was with the Black Panthers.

Kono: "I remember the LA Riots. I'm the only one who paid for the TV."

He was stabbed.

Death 44: Iruka's Second Job

Kono was in Barney's classroom. He was being raped by the purple bastard.

Barney: "I love you. You love me."

His mask fell off. Barney was Iruka. Kono died from shock. Iruka continued raping him after he died.

Death 45: Sakura

Andrew took control of Kono again.

Kono: Dayum! That's the biggest forehead I've ever seen!"

Sakura started stabbing him. She left his corpse on the ground.

Death 46: Twisted Metal

Everyone's favorite ice cream truck driving mental patient was shooting at Kono.

Sweet Tooth: "C'mon don't you wanna die?"

Kono was now up against a wall. Sweet Tooth shot a Napalm Cone at him. Kono was now on fire. He was running around in circles. This made things worse. Kono's skin burned off.

Death 47: Chouji

A possessed Kono walked up to everyone's favorite glutton.

Kono: "Hey fatty! That's my new nickname for you because you're fat!"

Chouji: "That's it. You die now."

Chouji expanded and rolled over him.

Death 48: Secret.

Kono ran through the village. He had learned something important.

Kono: "I've learned the secret of Orochimaru! His sexual orientation is-"

A kunai was sticking out of his back.

Death 49: Hadoken

Kono reappeared in the Street Fighter universe. He was fighting Ryu.

Ryu: "All he's done is scream and run around in circles. Are you sure I have to fight him?"

The announcer nodded.

Ryu: "It won't be honorable…. But if it shuts this brat up I'll do it! HADOKEN!"

Ryu's signature attack obliterated Kono. The crowd stood in shock.

Ryu: "This is going to be bad for public relations."

Death 50: Patriotism.

Andrew and Matt were tying Kono to a big rocket. Kono had a sock in his mouth.

Matt: "Light up this bitch Andrew!"

Andrew lit the fireworks. It sent Kono flying. It exploded in the air.

Matt: "Happy 4th of July!"

Meanwhile, back in hell, an angel appeared.

Angel: "Release him! This is not his appointed time!"

Andrew: "When is it?"

Angel: "When the Browns win the Superbowl!"

Matt: "That'll be in 100 years!"

Andrew released him. They both groaned. Matt sent Kono to the teleporter and sent him back. The angel vanished.

Andrew: "We forgot to erase his memories!"

Matt: "Oh well."

Kono had been returned. However, he came back with a fear of death so bad he huddled himself in his room. When he told Tsunade why, he was put into the Leaf Village's best mental hospital where he was raped by the inmates, doctors, and Iruka. He spent the rest of his life there. The day of his death became the Leaf Village's biggest holiday: Moron Death Day.

The end. R&R


End file.
